Dear Friends, it is with heavy heart that I write this blog today. It might have been better to have written it yesterday afternoon before the poll numbers started coming in. It would have been more hopeful and enthusiastic then. Today (well, yesterday) I am (or thought I was) thankful for the opportunity to vote. It is a great privilege to have a voice in choosing the leader of our country. I simply wish that the leader we (or half the country, rather) chose wasn't a racist. I wish the leader chosen didn't use his celebrity status to sexually assault women. I wish the leader of our country for the next 4 years had some experience in public office or some sort of plan on how to unite our country, but all I see him trying to do is divide us further. I cannot believe it's come to this. I am in absolute shock. I suppose I shouldn't be terribly surprised. I have a bunch of racist friends and family members (mostly family, friends you can choose, and I tend to prefer to be in better company). They have unapologetically supported Trump for some time. I suppose when hatred runs that deep, it will resonate with others who feel the same way. I feel so sorry for all those people who are so afraid of people who are different than themselves. And now I'm the one who's afraid. I'm afraid of what 4 years with Donald Trump as president will look like. Fortunately, I don't have to explain to my children what happened yesterday. I do, however, worry about the future Trump will build for my children. It is a very scary time we are living in, indeed.
It light of all the election results, I can say one thing already, I'm growing closer to God. Not having a human you feel like you can trust in charge of your country (and state) leaves you no choice but to depend on God and His plan. While I know I should always rely on God over men, it's easier when the man in charge has been a man of dignity and grace in the White House. I prayed repeatedly as the results came in last night. I said bedtime prayers with Avery and Connor through tears, repeatedly going back to hug and squeeze them, as if, when the results were final, they'd be taken from me. Of course, that didn't happen. My babies remain mine, but their future so much more uncertain. I sobbed and prayed relentlessly as more results came in and the conversation shifted from the narrow path Trump had to victory to the narrowing path of Hillary must-wins. My head throbbed and ached despite several painkillers. Finally, just before I fell asleep, I asked Michael to pray for us. His words, and the uncertainty of what I'd wake up to learn were the last things in my mind before I drifted off to sleep. Michael stayed up and watched the results after that. When I woke up this morning before 6am, I prayed. Fearing, that what I thought was actually true, but feeling relief that God was still in control and that He works all things for the good of those who believe in Him. I have prayed a lot today already. I think I'll be praying a lot more over the next 4 years than I have in the last 8. I was praying just yesterday for some friends who are going through a trial. I told God that I didn't want another trial in our lives because they're hard. I know they refine my faith, but they are still very difficult. Now this. Let me tell you, it feels like a trial of faith.
It feels like trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage, not being happy for the first 20 weeks of your pregnancy because you don't want to be emotionally crushed again by allowing yourself to hope and then to lose the baby. It feels like your husband losing his job when your 5 months pregnant with your first child and in a brand new house out of your price range. It feels like thousands of dollars in medical bills when you thought your employer was setting you up with good insurance and an emergency came up. It feels like your puppy, your baby at the time, dieing unexpected and suddenly at 6 months old and your husband begging you to not hate him because he came home to find her and somehow thinks this is his fault. It feels like your family, everything you know, falling apart, and the news covering it so everyone knows. It feels like the effects that one decision you didn't even make bleeding into areas of your life you couldn't imagine for years to come, possibly for the rest of your life. Those are what trials of faith feel like. That is the way I wept last night, like a person without hope, broken. And that it the way I prayed last night and this morning, like a person with no one to turn to but God. He's the only one I place my hope in, especially now. I just pray He protects my family and me over the next 4 years and that He softens, reforms, and guides the heart of our newly chosen leader.
Anyone who know me very well knows I'm a Facebook addict. I have been on facebook since the summer of 2005 when I got my .edu email address and was allowed in (it was only for college students back then). I was grateful for Facebook for connecting me to friends old and new, and for allowing me to share in the lives of people who don't live nearby. I was especially thankful for Facebook in December 2012 when my phone was stolen and the only pictures I had from Avery's first Christmas were the ones I'd uploaded to facebook. Well, last night I deleted my Facebook app. I didn't delete or disable my account, I just got off and got rid of it. It wasn't what I wanted to see or where I wanted to be. So you may be hearing more from me here, as my outlet. It doesn't feel like a safe place there anymore. But here, in my own space, I feel I can share my opinions and thoughts, if for no one else, then for myself.
I implore you to join me in prayer for our nation, so harshly divided and in pain. My prayer is that our leader will be guided by Christ and that God will have His way in our nation. My prayer is that the leaders who were appointed last night and who remain in office think of the least of these while they govern our country and state. I also pray for myself, and ask that you will too, that I show the love of Christ everywhere I go. That His brilliance, love, compassion, and kindness shines out of me and that I may point others to Him and His hope in this time of uncertainty. I also pray for peace in my soul that God is in control, that my soul, heart, and mind all agree and have faith that His will and work are being done. I must admit that this is hard for me, I am in deep despair. But I am praying fervently that God fills me with hope and assurance that His plan is at work. In those trials of faith I mentioned, God worked and strengthen me, though some areas He continues to guide me through where I am uncertain, I know He will do the same through this. My faith is not in a mortal man or woman, my God reigns supreme and there are no surprises to Him. Now I wait for His plan to be revealed and I love His people as much as I can and rely on Him to see me, to see all of us, through.
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