4am...

With Avery I didn't get the insomnia too bad until the end of my pregnancy.  I don't think that the reason I'm awake now is because of insomnia, really.  I think it's nerves/excitement over our appointment this morning in 4.5 more hours.  I'm excited to see our baby and find out that everything is healthy and the baby's gender.  But I am so incredibly scared that we're going to get to the doctor, take a look at the baby, and see that something isn't right.  :(  I wish I didn't think/feel this way.  I used to be blissfully unaware, optimistic to a fault, never even considered the possibility that something could go wrong with me, my baby, my pregnancy.  I never let worse case scenarios pop into my head before.  But then I had a miscarriage and it changed me and my happy optimism forever.  I went into the doctor, expecting to see a beautiful baby inside of me, and I was blindsided and told that there was no heartbeat and that the baby had stopped growing weeks ago.  My body hadn't told me or alerted me that anything was wrong.  I went into that appointment and was blindsided with the most horrible news I ever could have heard.  And because of that moment, because of that day, because of that stupid miscarriage, I'm scared to death for this baby.  I'm not excitedly awaiting the baby's next kick, I'm worrying anxiously because I haven't felt a strong kick yet or a roll in a couple of days.  I'm scared.  And being awake at 4am is giving my brain time to run and more opportunity to be scared, which is definitely not a good thing.  So if you think about it, please say a little prayer for Michael and I as we prepare for our sonogram today.  And please pray to give peace to my soul and mind and to rest assured in the comfort of the Lord that He has our baby in His hands and that He is carefully knitting together a beautiful baby inside of me who's absolutely perfect.  :)  Thanks guys.  Going to try to go back to sleep now.  Wish me luck.  ;)  Night.