Insomnia

I never really bought in to the pregnancy insomnia thing.  I've been able to sleep as well as any other beached whale the last few months.  But as we get closer and closer to the end of our pregnancy, I've struggled with it a few times.  The trouble comes when I wake up in the middle of the night to go yo the bathroom.  I sometimes allow my brain to wake up and begin thinking about things.  When I do this, I can't seem to shut it off.  Ugh.  When that happens, I end up here, blogging at 3:45 in the morning.  :P 

So here's what I'm thinking about tonight...  Our due date is officially 3 days away.  I have been counting down the months, weeks, and days for so long.  It seems like I've been counting for so long, that it's just not going to happen.  Now I know, no one has been pregnant forever.  I know she will come when she's ready.  I know God has a plan and has her birthday and everything all planned out.  But with all this waiting, I'm starting to lose focus on the goal, the finish line, the end that's clearly in sight.  Is she ever going to get here?  Not only that, but am I going to get any symptoms that things are moving along or any closer to her arriving?

We've got another doctor's appointment this afternoon when Michael gets off work.  Last week I stopped working after our appointment.  Last week I had a couple contractions after our appointment, probably due to the membrane strip, that faded and quit.  Last week I was full of hope that I had dilated and effaced even more and that her arrival would be "any day now".  Then my doctor completed my exam and I had no moredilation, no more effacement, and the baby was in the same pelvic station that she was the week before.  It just kind of took the wind out of my sails.  Now it's a week later and I still don't have my baby in my arms.  I'm beginning to lose hope that she'll come on her own.

I should have just accepted it at the beginning when people said, "Oh, it's your first, you'll go past your due date."  But I didn't want to believe them.  I wanted to think I was different.  Never mind the family hisgory, everyone else being induced, I wanted my experience to be different, and I believed that if I stayed positive and wished that my experience were different...  Then it really would be.  But it doesn't look like that's the case.  I guess it takes more than just a little positive thinking to make things happen.

So I'm not terribly hopeful on the progress we've made this last week.  I've had fewer contractions and don't feel like the baby's moving down into the pelvis any more.  So if my doctor tells me today that I'm still at 3cm and 70% effaced and that the baby may not come this week, I won't be too terribly surprised.  There's something to be said about keeping your expectations low.  You are less likely to be disappointed, and if something does surprise you, at least it can be a pleasant surprise.  So today as we head towards our doctor's appointmenr, I'm keeping my expectations low.

In the event that things have not progressed enough in the last week, I'm sure we'll begin today to talk about alternate plans to get the baby out.  If we have to medically intervene, we will not be able to have our little girl at the Birthcare Center.  If we induce, we have to be at the hospital.  Not to mention, my platelets last week had fallen to 98,000, so the Birthcare Center may be out of the question anyway.  If she hasn't arrived on her own ny Friday morning, I would like to be induced that day anyway.  I'm not sure if my doctor will be willing to do this, but I guess it's the one little piece of hope I'm holding onto.  I'm tired of waiting.  I'm ready for my baby to be here.

Man...  I am kind of negative here in the middle of the night....  I'm going to try to go back to sleep now.  Maybe my glass will be half full in the morning.  ;)  If not, I'll definitely try to update again later today or early tomorrow on how the doctor's appointment goes.  Wish me luck.  Thanks, guys.  :)