Real Life

I try to keep things pretty upbeat here on the blog, but I about lost it last night.  Fortunately, I've had a night to sleep on it now, so this post won't be quite as charged as it would have been last night.  As you know, we went on vacation to Texas last week.  For anyone who's vacationed with small children, you'll know those vacations are anything but relaxing.  For one, you're going a lot to get as much activity and as much of the city in as you can in a short period of time.  Secondly, small children need to be constantly watched, especially in a new environment, which can be kind of stressful.  So yes, we had a good vacation, but let's not kid ourselves, it was work.  While we made the 8.5 hr drive to Texas in 9 hours, it took 10.5 hrs to get back home, which was exhausting.  Overall, the kids have been good this week.  Yesterday morning I was pleasantly surprised to find it was already Thursday.  It seemed the week had gone by quickly.  But it was around lunch time yesterday that things started falling apart.  I took the kids to the gym yesterday morning, so Laney missed her morning nap.  Cue grouchy baby for 2 hours before afternoon naps.  On vacation the kids were still recovering from colds, then on Saturday we went on a tourist bus tour with no windows while it was raining, plus walking several blocks in the rain to our lunch spot.  All of that, I think, made Avery sick again.  She had a fever most of Sunday and was lethargic a couple more days.  Because she's an extrovert like me, I think she tried to jump back into life too fast even though she's still sick.  Cue fussy four year old who melts down at each bump in the road.  Connor's potty training has been going well, but sometimes he resists going when I suggest he does.  Cue whiney toddler dragging his feet.  As if all of those things weren't enough, they got worse as we went to Life Group last night.  I really crave that night each week to meet and have fellowship with my friends, to be spiritually (and physically) fed.  But I can't relax and enjoy my time there when the kids are yelling, things are being knocked over, shouting, kids are getting hurt, no one wants to share, and they are generally just a wreck.  I was embarrassed by my children's behavior last night.  I couldn't wait for Life Group to be over so I could put their shoes on them and usher them home.  When we got home I texted my mom to ask if she would come and babysit.  She, being the wonderful, amazing woman she is, said she would.  I feel like sometimes she and Michael are the only people I can be real with.  Who know when I'm really struggling and need a break.  Life Group should be that place, but I'm not super close with all the members yet and don't feel comfortable sharing that kind of stuff with them all yet.  Plus, I don't want to feel like I'm inconveniencing people with my problems or just complaining, I mean, this is the job I chose.   So this is me, real life, struggling.  Embarrassed when my kids misbehave at the youth director's house with his son seeing their actions.  Tired of listening to whining, crying, complaining, screaming, shouting, and fighting.   Concerned I'm not doing enough, being enough for the kids, for Michael, for myself.  So I'm taking the day off.  My mom is coming to my rescue and I'm out of here.  I'm leaving the noise, runny noses, diapers, and sibling rivalries behind.  I'm going to the gym to work out my frustrations until my mom needs to go home to cook dinner and my afternoon of freedom is over.  I'm so thankful for her.  Don't know what I'd do without her.  She always listens and understands when I complain.  She doesn't judge, just offers unconditional love and help.  I just need a break.  :\